Labour announce bold new urinal policy as Starmer declares ‘toilet war’

Published on: 7/29/2025

Building on the success of banning the trans community from the place they feel most comfortable defecating, Labour have announced a bold new policy designed to ensure uniform height for urinals across the United Kingdom.

Speaking to a Lincolnshire pub-goer during a photoshoot, Keir Starmer was struck by the man’s comments about the smaller urinals often leading to increased splashback.

“Labour is about dealing with the problems that real people in the UK are dealing with.” Starmer said in a speech in Brentwhistle on Friday.

“People aren’t concerned about genocide, financial stagnation or tax rises. What they want, what the common man needs, is a urinal that isn’t too far from your package.” The speech was met by enthusiastic indifference.

Flexing his huge parliamentary mandate, Starmer demanded a three-line whip to force through a ban on little urinals. The act is being called the Wet Willy Billy.

It has raised concern among disability and children’s rights groups, who suggest that such a ban may be discriminatory. Responding to concern, Morgan McSweeney, resident- Genius-in-Chief, said that someone was gonna have to ‘pick up the little fellas so that they could do their thing.’

When concerns were raised about the dignity of the individual involved, McSweeney shouted ‘adults in the room’ over and over again, partially deafening The Times’ Hugh Bon Gupty.

Nonsensemaker reporter Francis Francise said that Labour had dismissed further enquiries with ‘dwarf shrift’. Mr. Francise later apologised to a disability rights campaign group.