The Real Reason the White House Won't Release the Epstein Files

Published on: 7/25/2025

Many suspect the US government’s decision to block the release of the Epstein files is because they might incriminate the US President, but a Nonsensemaker exclusive suggests a wholly different motivation. Far from implicating Trump in international conspiracy, the files pointed to something much more damning: that Trump, despite his electoral success, is deeply uncool.

Here is the leaked Nonsensemaker exclusive in full:

• Jan 18, 2002, 7:59PM: Trump flown home. Complained that he had been beaten in a race by Stephen Hawking and that motor neurone disease had given Hawking both “speed superpowers” and “laser vision”, which he used to make Trump fall over.

• Jan 21, 2002, 12:12PM: Video footage shows a child sex worker laughing at his request to have the crusts cut off his sandwich.

• Jan 21, 2002, 3:09PM: - Video footage shows Trump calling in tears as Ghislaine Maxwell describes his longstanding admiration for Japanese anime as ‘his little comic habit’. In a foul mouthed tirade, Trump - pizza roll’s akimbo - claimed that Maxwell was a “bow-legged femoid”. He was then seen claiming to Hilary Clinton that it was research for the “coming Japan war”.

• Jan 21, 2002, 4:58PM: Video footage shows the same child sex worker laughing at him for having the crusts cut off his pizza. Trump then tries to do a Naruto run to try and impress the child sex worker, before she walks away. Trump sits down, clearly exhausted by having run 5 metres.

• Jan 22, 2002, 1:02AM: Trump flown home after complaining that Epstein had given him a defective GameCube controller in MarioKart and that such behaviour “wasn’t representative of the honourable pederast that Trump knew Epstein to be”.

The rest of the file has been redacted, but it adds an interesting dimension to an already fascinating criminal case.