Heard and McDonald Islands Threaten Retribution After Being Excluded from US-EU Trade Deal

Published on: 7/29/2025

The Heard and McDonald islands, a volcanic group of mostly barren Antarctic islands, have threatened major retaliatory actions against both the United States and the European Union after being left out of a key trade agreement between the two.

Wallace Crispin, the governor of the islands, said that ‘H&D are prepared to use our entire arsenal of weapons’ against the EU. When asked what this retaliation might look like, he said ‘Big. It would be big. And we’d get Portugal first. Be warned.’

When questioned, German chancellor Friedrich Merz said, ‘We are on high alert. I have organised several joint-committees and we will be running military operations simulating all-out war between the EU and the islands. So far, in all of these simulations, we lose. We are not sure what to do.’

Upon being informed of the news, Donald Trump said, ‘Wait, I made a trade deal with the EU? I hate those guys. Especially Portugal.’

After U.S. spy satellites detected Heard and McDonald residents sharpening a few spears on the beach, the government announced that the world had moved to DEFCON 1.